Pangs of Emotions Not Just Living, its about Experiencing before regrets. Moving on.

Thanks for the book that taught me what I needed to know. Everything about me, everything about love.

I think when I’ve come to realization, I’ll know things are gonna be different but for the better.

Do you know?
That statistics have shown that problem people will find problem partners sometimes unconsciously?
Eg. Girl with an alcoholic father would have a tendency to be attracted to a man with alcohol problems or tendencies.

I wonder if ive got issues and I’ve spotted them.
So when its all settled, would you still be there for me?

I think this distance will do us good.
I actually feel I need it.
It’s been taking a toll on me, what I’ve caused myself, in my head.
It’s too much pain I bring to myself when I don’t understand the concept of being in a relationship.

I dont know why I feel now that I should not have met you at a time like this.
When I feel that I’m stable, but I’m actually not.
And too vulnerable to handle you.
I learn now though, you used to be too much for me to handle.
But slowly it isn’t anymore.

Now i feel i can control those unnecessary impulses, how you always said you can control yourself, I can too.

Sex, I once used for self gratification, I no longer treat it as that.
It’s just part of a beautiful aspect of a relationship to appreciate.

It’s not about unmet needs anymore and you meeting it, it’s being able to share parts of myself that I love.

Then all of a sudden I took my bolster back from the other room.
And realized I needed to hug something to sleep.
I have forgotten how it feels to be sleeping with something next to you.
Almost like a comfortable feeling or sorts.
So weird, I’ve never needed a bolster.
Gees what’s happening to me!!!!

It was weird. Usually bernette and you would include me in the convos.
But tonight it just seemed to be the two of you discussing and I’m just out/:
My bad, Cus you’ll only be talking about the team stuff.
And I chose not to hear I guess.

I wasn’t the only one who felt it.
But it’s okay, I brought it upon myself.

Maybe I’m pmsing, maybe.
Just maybe.

I realized that there are actually people who have gotten too busy and caught up with their lives, that they barely have time to reflect, to spend time thinking about themselves.

for one, I’ve gotta say to a certain extent. I am easily contented actually. I am surprised. and though when asked, I usually give people the answer that I am very uncertain of what I want in life. When actually, I take what I have and experienced and mould it into what would provide me aid in time to come, which just actually puts the puzzle parts together of what I want to become, to have, and to hold. I know this puzzle never ends until I have reached my deathbed. because I will always have a never ending urge to challenge myself, make full use of the never give up spirit I have been working on.

I believe in such a thing as creating my own destiny. but I do believe more, than indeed, a God has already planned out my life. not that I do not work towards what I want, but I know that I have a guide. Thus, I know many times I have taken the longer windy road, but along that, I have learned and picked up so much more.

Its not about my destination and where I want to be, its about the journey.

I may or may not appreciate the journey, but I absorb in what there is to learn about and experience. Like it or not, I have learned to accept everything that has came my way.

At this point of time, honestly, I am still searching for answers to my sexuality. answers not that I dont want to hear from the christian point of view. but I want to learn about why it is deem not acceptable in God’s eyes, or really, is it just made up on how people interpret it from the Bible?

so many lives have turned away from knowing a God because of all the restrictions and unaccepting culture. WHY the need to go that length.

God knows everybody, gay straight bisexual. In fact, if He was really the creator, He would have known, and He would have done something about it if it was really wrong. how to some of us, who we try so hard to cover up being gay, WE CANNOT HELP BEING GAY. its NOT A CHOICE for us.

my life was leading nowhere, that one day where I spoke out and just yelled, “God, my life is really nothing. What I have and am doing is not making me fulfilled and contented. how much I am serving in the church, how much I am trying to be a good daughter, how much I am helping out in the community, working for money.. all was going nowhere. I have one missing element in my life which was so important to me. I need to know what it feels like to be in love, to be loved, to actually experience the opportunity of meeting someone by mere coincidence and accident, so many guys have came my way, I gave up because I could not handle it, I felt dead uncomfortable physically close, I wanted to experience real love with a special someone, someone that share a love, a passion, a drive for life with me. “

I cried, all I had. because there was nothing in my life worth living for. I have tried to be the daughter, be the one that is acceptable in church. I was not myself at all. exactly when my life was SMOOTH SAILING, I lost myself.

I tried to cover it up, that emptiness, that loneliness, that feeling of sheer discomfort, that knowing of I could be more than this but I’m trapped, leading a “fulfilled” life when it was actually causing more discontentment and uncertainty deep inside me.

AND THEN, THAT ONE DAY, I MET YOU.

okay, thats only the start of it all. when my life changed, literally changed.

not that I’m totally head over heels. and all. its MORE THAN SEX AND LOVE.

don’t get me wrong, I’m a number 10 and I want lots of sex. BUT hey, I found more than that.

I found a partner, who very much changed my life, someone who to this day I am so grateful for.

She is no longer my partner, but she changed my life for the better. made me a better person, stronger, fuller and actually happier and more contented.

I love her very much still, but at this point of time, she is going through what I went through.

and hell I know what that definitely feels like. I was too overwhelmed in love with her to see all this from her point of view. but I should be the least of her worries and her reasons and be the weight upon her shoulders.

now its about letting go, but still being there for her. because all she needs now, is someone she can trust with all her heart, her soul.

someone that would not just walk out of her life because she has hurt them, someone that actually prove to her that she did not just waste her time spent with one person for a yr and the half, only to end on a bad note with hatred and revenge,

someone who actually really wants the best for her, to find herself leading the best life she could and still sharing it with me.

once she gets through finding herself, only then will she be ready to think further about finding someone else.

in fact, in all honesty, I have got to admit that she helped to find myself. the side of me which I never knew existed. Now, its only best and true to help her find herself. Babe, I’ve got your back. you go girl! :))

-.-

Babygirl, thank you for Last night!!

I can’t imagine others now except last night. It was MIND BLOWING FUCKING ORGASM IN MY MIND AND BODY.

Baby, I’ve never experienced this before.
You totally rocked it.

I thought I had enough after fucking you and I was gonna settle with that.
But yesterday I was exceptionally, Swear, EXCEPTIONALLY fucking horny!
Can’t believe it, Cus we were fucking longer than usual.

Well I’m glad we missed that supper, headed home.
I was uncontrollable.
You were next to me, in your bra-less shirt and underwear, I couldn’t handle myself slipping my hand down and stroking your pussy turned me on more than ever.
I felt like fucking you all over again.
I climbed on top of you, and starting rubbing my clit against your thighs.
I imagined myself going inside you and I started thrusting into you.
It was wild, I literally could almost feel myself fucking you.

Right after, you went on top of me.(I love how you own me when you’re on top) and licking me down from the neck whilst holding my both hands up.
your tongue slowly glided around my nipple and then with my nipple in your mouth you went at full force. With every swipe of your tongue, it sent electric waves through my body.
The more I relaxed, the more I felt every lick and my pussy was getting wetter by the minute.

you licked your way down to my my pussy, where by now it was so moist and ready for you to slip your fingers in. But you weren’t done w me.
You set me in position, with my legs spread open and my wet pussy at your eye level, you glided your tongue across.
Once, twice, and there you rocketed off. With every flick of your tongue you got faster and quicker at the exact spot, my moans got deeper and louder.
Soon before I realized, your tongue was gliding in and out of my vagina, every move making me anticipate what was to come.
Before I knew it, while your tongue was vigorously licking my clit, you slid your finger in me. Oh fuck! That was it, the moment you did that, my head fell back in orgasmic mode. I couldn’t control anymore. My whole body gave way and every thrust of your finger sent me to cloud nine.
“Don’t stop…. Don’t stop ” I yelped uncontrollably……

“You can take care of me.” 

in the sweetest and utmost adorable eyes.

almost in disbelief and i always proof you wrong.